Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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