You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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