we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
