Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
