census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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