omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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