I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
