so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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