Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
