well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
