I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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