I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
