Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize