Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
