I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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