You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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