So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
