i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
