tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
