Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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