so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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