508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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