I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
