I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
