someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
