6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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