happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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