Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
