I'm going to jail i love you
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
