I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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