Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
