Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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