I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
