I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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