Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
