Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
