I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize