I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
