Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
