My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
