she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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