if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
