You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize