genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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