chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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