I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
