We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
