somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
