there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
