Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
