So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
