i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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