Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
