connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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