I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
