and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
