Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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