Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
