I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
