Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize