you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
