my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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